The Christmas Relic

Christmas 2003

-mice r.r.

Cast of Characters:

Mommel-tron - A Robot from the future
PPCD 3000 - Hip Hop artist from the future
McBrain – Austrian, muscle-bound Evil Scientist
Go–go Girl - Sexy lackey of McBrain
Sophie Deveraux – Double Agent Spy Babe
Simon Templar – Spy for the Crown
Q - Quartermaster
Ray Marks - Radio Drama Writer
Jennifer Marks – Radio Drama Writer
Miss Missy Magoo - Gum Snapping Admin Assistant

Scene 1: Radio Drama Brainstorm
Scene 2: McBrain’s Dilemna
Scene 3: Your Mission
Scene 4: Meanwhile in 3092
Scene 5: Istanbul
Scene 6: Future Past
Scene 7: Big Reveal

Scene 1: Radio Drama Brainstorm

Narrator: The scene opens in a 1920’s radio station back room. The waste baskets are overflowing with sheets of crumpled paper. There are glasses of water and mugs of coffee on a large table. Day old doughnuts sit on a aluminum tray. The mood is bleak.

Ray: So Jenni, have you got any Ideas what we should do for next week’s show? I’ve been thinking a lot about it and I just don’t have anything.

Jennifer: Well, I do have an idea, but you won’t like it.

Ray: Why don’t you tell me and then I can decide for myself?

Jennifer: I would like to do a Christmas show. It is Christmas time and I think our audience would like it. I know I would like it.

Missy: (chewing gum while talking) Yeah Boss, that would be swell! Why don’tcha do it?

Ray: Well that would be great except our show is usually a Murder Mystery. What do you suggest we do, a Christmas Murder Mystery?

Missy: Ummm,

Jennifer: We could do it. What if someone stole Christmas?

Ray: You can’t steal Christmas. Besides, no one believes in Christmas anymore, at least not our audience. Christmas shows are for shows like Bob Hope and Fibber McGee and Molly. Family shows. They can be all chipper and upbeat and tell jokes and stuff. We don’t have a show like that.
Jennifer: What if there was an ancient and mystical text, Hidden and guarded by a group of devoted Seiks. I don’t know, somewhere in Istanbul. That held the secret origins of Christmas?

Ray: Seiks don’t believe in Christ. Besides, what would the secret origins of Christmas be? The Birth of Christ? Everybody knows that story. Where is the mystery there?

Jennifer: I’m not sure we would even need to tell the audience. Keep them in suspense.

Missy: Well you’re certainly keeping me in suspense, Boss Lady.

Ray: Well since I have no other ideas, I really can’t say anything. I’m worried though that this story of yours doesn’t have an ending.

Jennifer: It doesn’t have an ending… yet.

Ray: I know I’m going to regret this.

Jennifer: Trust me. You are not going to regret this. I’m the beauty and the brains of this operation; you’re just here to do the heavy lifting.

Ray: Whatever you say dear. Let’s get to work.


Scene 2: McBrain’s Dilemna

Ray: So how is this thing gonna start?

Jennifer: What’s say we have this character McBrain.

Ray: McBrain?

Jennifer: Yeah. He’s an evil scientist. Hence the brain part of McBrain.

Ray: So what’s his angle?

Narrator: As Jennifer spins her story. Our characters hear McBrain’s voice.

McBrain: (In a thick accent) I think I speak for da people when I say dat we are sick and tired of Christmas as usual. We need a real change in duh way dat Christmas time works. The people have spoken and as your duly elected govern evil scientist, I must provide clear leadership for taking over Christmas…

Missy: (Interrupts) But um, Boss Lady, evil scientists aren’t elected.

Jennifer: Ok, it needs some work.

Ray: Maybe he’s an evil archeologist. That would explain the finding of the Christmas artifact? Say he’s already got the artifact and he’s holding Christmas for ransom.

McBrain: Now all you world leaders talk to da hand! I’ve got da Christmas relic which is a collection of writings, irrefutable proof that Santa does not exist. At Midnight on the 25th of December if my needs are not met, I will broadcast via satellite worldwide a debunk of Santa and everything that is Christmas and that sort of thing.

Ray: Well what if he had like a sexy sidekick. Like a Go-go girl.

Jennifer: The term Go-go girl won’t really be used for another 20 years.

Ray: Go with me on this one.

Narrator: We now hear Go-go girl.

Go-go girl: This doesn’t seem right. My guy seems to be planning some evil plans. Hmmm. Well I guess he does buy me nice clothes and perfume. I guess its not really my place to question him. Or… Hey McBrain. What’cha doin’?

McBrain: Darling I’m trying to take over the world.

Go-go: Why?

McBrain: I thought that’s what you wanted. I am doing this for you.

Go-go: Don’t try and pin this one on me. I just want to dance. (Go-go dances around to illustrate her point)

McBrain: Alright so maybe this isn’t exactly right. But the show should have…
Jennifer: *Ahem* a Christmas theme.

Ray: I’m beginning to worry about this show. It doesn’t seem to have the mysterious element our shows normally have. If we aren’t careful this could be the one episode after which all later episodes are..

Jennifer: Let’s not beat around the bush here. It sucks rocks.

Scene 3: Your Mission

Q: (British as you can) Now Simon, I trust you will take extra precautions this time. As you know last mission you destroyed your super secret spy car, your super secret spy watch, your super secret spy pen, and a segway.

Simon: (Also British) Oh come now M, those segway contraptions are being recalled.

Q: Nevertheless I do trust will be more careful this time. I have some items which will assist you in your mission to retrieve the S

Simon: Right. Now what does this do?

Q: Oh that, that’s a chicken sandwich I’m having for lunch.

Simon: And what about this, what happens when I do this?

Q: Oh you’ve just detonated a briefcase nuke. It’s been nice knowing you Simon.

Q and Simon: Oh My.

Ray: Well that certainly was exciting. But I’m sensing a trend here. The trend is the plot isn’t really moving along at all.

Jennifer: Yeah that is bad.

Missy: Yeah. Even I noticed that.

Ray: Yeah.


Scene 4: Meanwhile in 3092

PPCD 3000: (Raps)
Crocodile on my feet
Fox fur on my back
Bowtie `round my neck
That's why they call me the gangsta mack
In the Cadillac! Yeah! (Repeat)

Mommel-tron: What are you doing now?

PPCD 3000: Hello I am a rapping robot from the future! What do you think I am doing?

Mommel-tron: But you are singing a song from the early 21st century.

PPCD 3000: Hey I’m just because I’m not a protocol droid like you.

Mommel-tron: I will remind you that I have supported you with the money I made talking to moisture evaporators.

PPCD 3000: (Raps)
Tomb after tomb
Boom, boom after boom
Serving up emotion once you deep inside the tomb
From embryo to newborn, you can feel me in the womb
Cool, ooh, that's cool

Jennifer: Who wouldn’t like that? A rapping robot from the future! That’s cool.

Ray: I think that has been done before. I think we did that before.

Missy: (in a whisper) Boss…(Draws hand across throat tries to let Ray know to cool it.)

Ray: I mean, sounds GREAT!


Scene 5: Istanbul

Narr: The air is distorted with heat rising. An electric fan rolls the hot air about. We are in a second or third story apartment. Outside we can see clothes drying on the line. Strange and eerie music and inviting spices waft in through a window. Children are playing in the streets shouting.
Nikolaus: So you have found me.

Sophia: Yes, and now you will tell me where the artifact is.

Nikolaus: Its not that simple.

Narr: Sophia draws a gun on her host.

Sophia: My friend here says different.

Nikolaus: Your friend is a gun. That is sad. The Beatles song notwithstanding.

Sophia: I am not kidding around. Give me the artifact or I will kill you right here, right now.

Nikolaus: That’s the trouble with guns now isn’t it? I can see the desperation in your eyes. I can see you are thinking one step ahead. You’re thinking: What if he doesn’t give it to me? I can’t really shoot him because no one else knows where the artifact is. It will be lost forever.

Sophia: I don’t have time for this.

Nikolaus: Apparently you don’t have time for the artifact either. You probably don’t understand the first thing about what it is or where to look for it.

Sophia: I know you have it.

Nikolaus: I know where it is, I did not say I had it.

Sophia: I don’t believe you.

Nikolaus: Who is that behind you? Is that your friend?

Simon: Don’t move. Don’t turn around. Just put your weapon down on the table.

Sophia: Its Simon, isn’t it? I know your voice anywhere.

Simon: It might be. Depends on if you’re here for business or pleasure.

Nikolaus: I’m not having any fun.

Simon: I’m afraid I can’t help that. I’m here for the same reason she is. For the artifact. Do you know where it is?

Nikolaus: I have an idea. I mean, I have an idea where it is. But also I have an idea that might make both of you stop pointing guns at everyone. Now I’m going to get up and go to the kitchen. You won’t shoot me because you are hoping I’ll give you the artifact. Plus your keeping your gun on your friend there.

Simon: Alright. I’ll bite.

Nikolaus: Good.

Narr: Nikolaus goes to the kitchen. On the top of the refrigerator is a coffee can. He steps on a rickety step stool to get it. He pulls the can down. Opens it up slowly, looks inside. The brings then steps down off the stool.

Nikolaus: OK. Now I have one for each of you. Hold out your hands, both of you.

Sophia: What are these? Chistmas Cookies?!!!

Simon: OK. I think I understand. Let’s go.

Sophia: But… he knows where it is! I have to find it.

Simon: He just showed you where it is.

Nikolaus: Bye you guys. Come back if you want more cookies.

Ray: That was pretty good. I think we may have somthin here.

Jennifer: Thanks!

Ray: How is this all going to tie together?

Jennifer: Um, not sure.


Scene 6: Future Past: McBrain, Go-go, Mommel-tron, PPCD 3000

PPCD 3000: Hey I’m bored.

Mommel-tron: What you’re not Rappin’ what’s going on?

PPCD 3000: Let’s go buzz some freaks in the past.

Mommel-tron: That again? I always stress about getting there and then when I finally get there I try and relax, but by the time I’m relaxed its time to go back home again.

PPCD 3000: C’mon screwing up the space time continuum is fun.

Mommel-tron: OK, fine. But I still think I should have been a nun-bot.

Narr: Our cybernetic life forms find themselves in the past. After what seems like an eternity time traveling.

PPCD 3000: OK we are here. Let’s find somebody.

Mommel-tron: You know I’m not sure these Members Only jackets are really right for this time period.

PPCD 3000: According to my research everyone wants these.

Mommel-tron: Then why is no one wearing them? And why are they all pointing and staring?

PPCD 3000: Uh yeah, I had wondered that myself.

Mommel-tron: And why is everyone running around with scowls on their faces? They have all these pretty boxes and they seem miserable.

PPCD 3000: Excuse me ma’am. Why is everyone so grumpy?

Go-go: Leave me alone.

Mommel-tron: You’ll have to excuse my robo err… husband. He’s a little too enthusiastic at times.

PPCD 3000: Why aren’t you happy?

Go-go: I should be happy, but I’m not. It’s Christmas time. I should feel like I’m in the spirit but its just so much stuff I have to do and there’s no time to do it in.

PPCD 3000: What is Christmas?

Go-go: You’ve never heard of Christmas?

Mommel-tron: We’re from France.

Go-go: OK. Well Christmas is a time when you get lots of presents.

PPCD 3000: It is? I like presents. What are presents?

Go-go: OK you are not from France, you are crazy. Leave me alone.

PPCD 3000: Whatever.

Mommel-tron: Let’s go now. Can we go?

PPCD 3000: What’s this on the ground?

Mommel-tron: Dog poo?

PPCD 3000: No not that, that!

Mommel-tron: It’s a fortune cookie.

PPCD 3000: Are you sure? It doesn’t look like one.

Mommel-tron: But it has writing on it. Its like a pin number.

PPCD 3000: Lets try it on this ATM machine. Maybe we can get some money.

Mommel-tron: What do we need money for? There is no money in the future.

PPCD 3000: yeah but we can give it to the museum.

Mommel-tron: Umm, OK maybe it will screw up the space time continuum like you love to do.

PPCD 3000: Yeah! OK, I’m putting in the numbers now. Looks like Avocado’s number. 6022 with a lot of zeros.
Mommel-tron: I think you mean Avogadro's Number.

PPCD 3000: No that’s that animal with the hard shell.

Mommel-tron: That’s an Armadillo

PPCD 3000: That’s in Texas.

Mommel-tron: Amarillo.

PPCD 3000: That’s a type of liquor.

Mommel-tron: Amaretto

PPCD 3000: Disney Actress.

Mommel-tron: Annette Funicello? God I hate this game.

PPCD 3000: The ATM doesn’t work with this number. I’m going to try calling it on this primitive telephone. Its ringing. Wait its asking me to deposit money. Can you cyber-ify it? Yeah. Ok that’s working.

Nikolaus: Hello.

PPCD 3000: Hi.

Nikolaus: Who is this?

PPCD 3000: I’m the PPCD 3000. I’m from the future France. Can I have money?

Nikolaus: I suppose you could.

PPCD 3000: Cool.

Nikolaus: Are you a friend of Sophia’s?

PPCD 3000: No, who is that?

Nikolaus: Never mind. Did you call about the cookies.

PPCD 3000: Yes the cookie, I found it.

Nikolaus: Excelent. And you want to understand what is written in the cookie?

PPCD 3000: Sure!

Nikolaus: You have to come here and see me personally.

PPCD 3000: OK.

Mommel-tron: This doesn’t sound good.

PPCD 3000: OK I’ll be there, Bye!

Ray: This is very odd.

Jennifer: I agree.

Scene 7: Big Reveal

PPCD 3000: Ok. I’m here.

Nikolaus: OK. Do you want a cookie?

PPCD 3000: No. I am a robot I am from France.

Nikolaus: OK, The secret of Christmas is to be nice to each other because God loves you.

Mommel-tron: Intersting.

PPCD 3000: OK. I think I understand now.

Nikolaus: So when you go back to your time. Can you let everyone know that? But only if they ask. Oh and make them some cookies. Here is a recipe in case you need one.

Mommel-tron: How come there are 3 cups of butter for this recipe?

Nikolaus: I don’t know, that’s the way I got it.

PPCD 3000: How come you know we are from the future?

Nikolaus: No one wears member’s only jackets in 1940’s Istanbul. It’s simply not done.

PPCD 3000: Ok, strange man. I will. I will.