Most days I’m sure it is its own reason for being. I flirt therefore I am. Most days I love everything about it. Of course when I am doing my own safe, verbal badminton, version of flirting, its awesome. I feel, though I could be incorrect, that no one is being hurt. That it makes the recipient of the attention feel nice.
Now there is this one person who flirts with me. Or rather at me. I thought it was fine last year when I decided that it was all a play-act. That the person was merely pretending to be attracted to me. Today I found out that was incorrect. No audience, no one to care and I still got the directed sharp flirtation pointed at me.
Part of me is so very happy. So very very happy. I feel well I must still got “it”. Otherwise, no one would bother or care. Perhaps this would be easier.
I do wish instead of this directed flirting that the person would just be my friend, talk to me like a human being and not some weird object of desire. I don’t really see myself without arms, made of marble, standing on a pedestal. It looks damned uncomfortable.
Not sure why I am feeling so bluesy. It would be nice if somehow I meant that I somehow can play the alto sax and I have been playing Blues on it lately. Really I have no excuses, but today for some reason is just not my favorite day.
I am trying to be upbeat, put on a happy face and smile. I guess though maybe that is making it worse. The harder I try to be happy, the harder it seems and the less true it seems. I might as well admit it. I am feeling blue.
When you are young you storm around and you say “Nobody loves me”. Of course they do, but it feels so gratifying to say it. It’s so simple and it explains everything away by assigning the blame somewhere else. What you really mean is I feel terrible, but it is everyone else’s fault but your own. You feel terrible because all of thems is out to get you and their goal all along is to make you feel terrible.
Now I have seen a lot of things in my life but almost never (meaning never ever) is EVERYone just out to get you and to make you feel miserable. Normally (meaning always) you feel terrible because you feel terrible. Not because everyone in you life is doing anything different then they always do. Everything on the outside is the usual BS - only your feelings have changed.
Some friends or maybe acquaintances of mine just got married. I am very happy for them but selfishly I am sad since I was not invited. I have a good friend, one of my best friends, who has told me on another occasion not to be such a girl and not worry neither feel down if you are not invited to a wedding. This, he tells me, is what women do. Ugh, I must be some sort of emotional girlie-man since I love weddings and I am continually feeling burned when I am not invited to them by couples that I know and thought were my friends.
I guess I shouldn’t worry. People are going to get married, they are going to live and fall in love and have kids or not. They will stay married forever or break up and get divorced. Some people will never get married and some people will wish they could be married but will be prevented by law from doing so. Some people will be priests, some will join the military and live and die without ever getting married. All of this will happen without me. The world will continue to spin without any intervention from me. This should be a relief I suppose.
I like going to weddings. They are nice. You feel hopeful, you see this couple and they are all goo-goo eyes over each other and it gives one hope. You have hope that with all this love going around that it might turn out OK for the rest of us in the unlovable caste.
Just recently I was the officiant for my brother’s wedding. Yeah, my little brother got married and why I don’t know but he asked me to preside over the ceremony. It was really sweet and I am so happy he has found someone who he loves and who loves him. I feel good about helping them out in this way. Seems like what a big brother should do.
In conclusion, I am something blue.
Well I have an appointment to get fixed next month. Should I be talking about that? I think that if you are one of the few still reading this blog after all this time then nothing will shock you.
I am having some very mixed feelings about the whole procedure. Its not that I am afraid of the pain. I’m sure it will be painful, I don’t really care. Do I feel like somehow my life will change so much that I might get divorced and somehow get married again to another woman who wants kids? I can’t really see that happening. I think its more likely that there will be some sort of Children of Men apocolypse and I will regret not being able to have kids due to my lack of clairvoyance about the future.
I love my kids. But really we could not handle any more kids. We can barely handle the kids that we do have.
Mostly I am just feeling somewhat melancholy as it is the self-imposed end of my reproductive cycle. Ah well. Say hi to your mother for me Donkey.