Not sure why I am feeling so bluesy. It would be nice if somehow I meant that I somehow can play the alto sax and I have been playing Blues on it lately. Really I have no excuses, but today for some reason is just not my favorite day.
I am trying to be upbeat, put on a happy face and smile. I guess though maybe that is making it worse. The harder I try to be happy, the harder it seems and the less true it seems. I might as well admit it. I am feeling blue.
When you are young you storm around and you say “Nobody loves me”. Of course they do, but it feels so gratifying to say it. It’s so simple and it explains everything away by assigning the blame somewhere else. What you really mean is I feel terrible, but it is everyone else’s fault but your own. You feel terrible because all of thems is out to get you and their goal all along is to make you feel terrible.
Now I have seen a lot of things in my life but almost never (meaning never ever) is EVERYone just out to get you and to make you feel miserable. Normally (meaning always) you feel terrible because you feel terrible. Not because everyone in you life is doing anything different then they always do. Everything on the outside is the usual BS - only your feelings have changed.
Some friends or maybe acquaintances of mine just got married. I am very happy for them but selfishly I am sad since I was not invited. I have a good friend, one of my best friends, who has told me on another occasion not to be such a girl and not worry neither feel down if you are not invited to a wedding. This, he tells me, is what women do. Ugh, I must be some sort of emotional girlie-man since I love weddings and I am continually feeling burned when I am not invited to them by couples that I know and thought were my friends.
I guess I shouldn’t worry. People are going to get married, they are going to live and fall in love and have kids or not. They will stay married forever or break up and get divorced. Some people will never get married and some people will wish they could be married but will be prevented by law from doing so. Some people will be priests, some will join the military and live and die without ever getting married. All of this will happen without me. The world will continue to spin without any intervention from me. This should be a relief I suppose.
I like going to weddings. They are nice. You feel hopeful, you see this couple and they are all goo-goo eyes over each other and it gives one hope. You have hope that with all this love going around that it might turn out OK for the rest of us in the unlovable caste.
Just recently I was the officiant for my brother’s wedding. Yeah, my little brother got married and why I don’t know but he asked me to preside over the ceremony. It was really sweet and I am so happy he has found someone who he loves and who loves him. I feel good about helping them out in this way. Seems like what a big brother should do.
In conclusion, I am something blue.
Well I have an appointment to get fixed next month. Should I be talking about that? I think that if you are one of the few still reading this blog after all this time then nothing will shock you.
I am having some very mixed feelings about the whole procedure. Its not that I am afraid of the pain. I’m sure it will be painful, I don’t really care. Do I feel like somehow my life will change so much that I might get divorced and somehow get married again to another woman who wants kids? I can’t really see that happening. I think its more likely that there will be some sort of Children of Men apocolypse and I will regret not being able to have kids due to my lack of clairvoyance about the future.
I love my kids. But really we could not handle any more kids. We can barely handle the kids that we do have.
Mostly I am just feeling somewhat melancholy as it is the self-imposed end of my reproductive cycle. Ah well. Say hi to your mother for me Donkey.
It has been a while since I was here. I think pretty much everyone has abandoned all hope of getting any updates on my life and what I am doing. Posts lately when they have come at all have been cryptic.
My life has been trying lately. No not trying like I am trying to do something, but trying as in trying and difficult. I think in some ways I have been embarassed to show my face around here. Things haven’t been perfect and I didn’t want to whine and complain. Why? Becuase I hate complaining and even more than that, hearing myself complain.
Complaints are like vomit. They are disgusting and you feel them wrethcing up out from your gut and past a ceartin point there is no use in trying to keep them down.
I think we are at that point now. When I say we I mean me. There is nothing Royal about me lately other than Royal pain in the butt, or maybe Royale with Cheese.
No more living in posh San Ramon. We sold our house. It was a shame but I was back there yesterday and some of the houses were still on sale that were on the market before ours. We are f---ed but those guys, chances are they are double f---ed with double cheese. Yikes.
Yes, we have a place to live for now. My family spent a month with my parents. That was really hard for everyone. It was very generous of my parents to endure us. It was tough though. It was tough trying to be a dad with my mom there, well meaning as she was.
Now our downstairs neighbor complains if we make any noise past 9pm. Who goes to sleep at 9pm? And how is it that we are so loud and somehow he sleeps right through the trains running past our place every two hours? I feel safe asking these questions since no one reads thing thing any more. It’s official. I’m talking to myself.
I got to go to a Nascar event last weekend. I know what you are thinking. I thought to myself, *I don’t fit in with these dudes. I’m nothing like them*. Well actually I didn’t think that at all. I really enjoyed the event. I thought the guys I went with were great and I would go again given the chance. I mean Nascar fans are very salt of the Earth folks. But they weren’t mean to me or anything. The whole thing was a lot of fun. I don’t think I was trying to pass as a hick or anything either. I told them my name was mice. I wouldn’t chew tobacco becuase I find it disgusting, nor did I smoke any, not becuase I find cigars disgusting, but just becuase I don’t even know how to smoke and I didn’t want to start then.
Lately I have been moving between worlds and I want to enjoy all kinds of people, regardless if they “rednecks” whatever the h*ll that means, or liberals. I was in case you don’t know me when I was in college a painfully liberal guy. Being a dad has changed that somewhat for me. Really though I don’t think a single idology or party can fully represnt me any longer. I think about things and I try and make decisions in my own life that will be best for my family and the most amount of people possible. God knows what that makes me now, probably a nothing-a-tarian. Maybe I’m a Humanitarian since I eat humans.
How do you like my diptych? The top image is a thistle I had to snap when I was walking back to the car on out 2 or 3 mile hike at the Nascar event. The below are the nasty gas station silk-like flowers reserved for thoughtless boyfriends who think this will soften the blow one their girlfriends find out they have been cheating. Or so I say.
More later. For reals.
Today we dropped off our keys and garage door openers off at our old house. No more Green Tea Ice Cream house. No more formerly Orange house. I didn’t really have any gift for my Mom or my wife on Mother’s day as I spent all week moving boxes (100 in all) in my car to the storage area.
I can’t say were were overjoyed to leave it. It was a nice house and it is sad that we can’t stay now that the house is perfect.
I am happy that it has sold after nearly an entire year of trying. That is a lot of days spent cleaning. I have never lived in such a clean house.
Right now I am crashed out at my parent’s house. They are quietly unhappy with this state, though they keep telling me that they want me to feel welcome.
It won’t be long though. We will be out of here shortly. As for today, it wasn’t an especially nice Mother’s Day I think. Mrs. Mice is on edge and at one point she flipped me the bird. Normally I would find that endearing, but today was somehow strangely different.
I also missed going to Whole Earth Festival for the first time since I went in 1989. I missed seeing my friends and my ex-girlfriends. Yes, I like seeing my ex-girlfriends. They probably recoil in disgust like looking at Quasimodo.
I am hoping its going to get better from here on out. If it does get worse, don’t tell me about it, I will be busy riniging the bells.
The offer on the house fell through. That will teach me to count chickens before they hatch.
We are trying not to be upset. Easier said than done. You know what they say, best laid plans of mice and mice. Wait, no one says that.
Not sure about our plans to leave the area. Not sure about anything except that I am frustrated.
I saw Jumper today. It was not really a very satisfying viewing experience. It was cheesy and predictable and not really all that great. It was funny to see Sam Jackson and Hayden Christiansen in a movie together so soon after Star Wars 2 and 3. Sam with white hair is not a very convincing look. Still its better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.
Hope your day was considerably better.
More Later,
It has been a terrible day. The offer on our house has a real possibility of falling through. We are both saddened and also happy.
But what I really want to share is someone called us and left two messages. I think they must be a kid and I don’t think that is English they are speaking. If you have any idea of what they are saying please tell me.
We are all praying a lot around here. It’s not the end of the world though. There are a lot of things we don’t want to miss around here.
More Later,
